Friend…?

Apparently, yesterday marked the 200th anniversary of the first publication of Mary Shelley’s classic ‘Frankenstein’, a truly groundbreaking piece of literature that’s been subsequently ripped to pieces by Hollywood.  And why is this relevant?  Well, after posting what can best be described as ‘bugger all’ for a long, long time, I now get to say – in my best Colin Clive voice – “It’s aliiiiiiiiive”!!!

Yes, the Hobbit’s still here, I’m still peddling chilli stuff, and I’m marshalling what passes for thoughts for 2018…

…and yes, I’m still slightly furious, all of the time.  It’s a description I’ve nicked from a blogger I still follow (thank you Paul Smith of The Runton Diaries), but it’s definitely appropriate.  It’s been some time since I last broadcast my thoughts on the airwaves, but there’s been little to make me think that the world is any more pleasant, that the future is any rosier, that we are any more secure than when I last spewed forth.  And that, of course, leaves me with a dilemma.

When I originally started this blog it was definitively in support of my business, and nowt else.  It still is, after a fashion.  And as such, it was incorporated into the Wiltshire Chilli Farm’s blog (where I have posted a few times since the last thing I posted here), and that was great.  The trouble is – and this is self-censorship, nothing more – I felt the need to behave, at least a little bit.  I was posting as a business that was not 100% mine, and that made me think twice about saying anything too controversial.  Not that I’m ever likely to of course, I’m far too nice for that, but somewhere in the back of my mind there’s been this little voice saying “can I say that out loud…do the other guys think that way”?  Now at no point has anyone said that I should change what I say, or how I say it, but being the sensible cove that I am, I got a bit more…cautious.

Why am I saying this, I hear you say?  OK maybe not, but I’m going to tell you anyway.  You see, in 2018 I am going to attempt to write two blogs.

I know, I know, couldn’t even keep one going…

So the Chilli Farm will get something sensible, and business related, and vaguely relevant to what we do on a day-to-day basis…well, that’s the plan.

This blog, however, is likely to gravitiate much more towards the feverish outpourings of a deranged hobbit…and trust me, I’ve got VERY deranged since the last time I posted.  A lot of sh*t has happened, and I feel the need to vent, and in some cases, get a bit more up close and personal.  Simply put, there are some things that are relevant to me, and none of my colleagues, so I just want to share what’s in my head.  It’s a kind of therapy, and one that doesn’t involve illegal, or at least immoral, substances.  I could, of course, share my thoughts through the medium of interpretive dance, but anyone that’s ever seen me on a dance floor would soon be alerting the authorities.

So here we are, starting another year, and I’m wondering just how I’m going to f*ck this one up.  I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few days wondering just why I do anything that I do, and how I reconcile what I think I am with what I do for a living.

And I think I’ve come to some kind of realisation.  Basically, you see, I’m a thumping great introvert doing a sporadically good impression of an extrovert.  Or, potentially, it’s the other way round.  It’s an interesting dichotomy.  Some days, I’m all over the ‘being with people’ thing.  Other days, I just want to hide.  And the problem is this; I never know which day is which, until I’ve set sail on that day’s journey.

Now I’ve been doing a bit of light reading about ambiversion, which is basically the extremely logical state of most people – that no-one is completely introverted or extroverted, and can behave as either in given situations.  And it makes perfect sense, and I can see it applies to me.  It just seems to me that I swing wildly from one extreme to the other, especially in times of stress and anxiety.  Is this normal?  I dunno, it’s going to take a bit more research, and thought, and maybe just a little bit more Belgian beer to make it all swim into focus.  But what I know for sure is that getting my thoughts down in a post like this helps me, if only because I’m a frustrated author and I just love writing.

So whilst I feel in need of a little bit of help, you should all pray – to whatever deity you believe in – that this form of therapy works.

Otherwise the interpretive dance is going to happen…