Monthly Archives: May 2016

The Common Chilli Farmer

Conservation status







Homo capsicanus beardus

Homo capsicanus hobbitus
Homo capsicanus bondus
Homo capsicanus beardus
Homo capsicanus pinkboxus
Homo capsicanus primus
Homo capsicanus moggius
Homo capsicanus petehattus

Homo capsicanus is the binomial nomenclature for the common chilli farmer. Every example of homo capsicanus automatically falls into its own subspecies, which with very few exceptions are unique in almost every respect.


Homo capsicanus is a direct descendant of homo sapiens, also known as humans. Although superficially similar, they have mutated through continued exposure to superhot chillies to the point where they are a distinct collection of subspecies displaying behaviours not seen in the normal human race.

Homo capsicanus primus is the earliest local example and is named not for being the first observed example of homo capsicanus, but for his slightly disturbing fetish for both camping stoves and the bass guitar stylings of Les Claypool.


Examples of homo capsicanus subspecies: bondus, pinkboxus, hobbitus and primus. Also shown are two examples of homo politicus wellinevervotedforthem


The common chilli farmer varies wildly in size, although mostly they can be mistaken for human. The shortest known subspecies is homo capsicanus hobbitus, which as its name suggests has great difficulty reaching things on high shelves. Homo capsicanus bondus is tall enough to suffer from a lack of oxygen, thus giving the impression of brain damage. Many subspecies of the chilli farmer display significant plumage (especially homo capsicanus beardus), although homo capsicanus moggius appears to have run out of hair entirely. Homo capsicanus pinkboxus is mostly encountered in its female form.


Gay Bond at RB&W

Homo bondus in his natural habitat

The common chilli farmer can often be found sheltering under canopies amongst groups of similar species such as homo cupcakeus and homo cheeseii. They seem to cluster together in these groups in order to pass on their belongings to others in exchange for coloured pieces of paper or shiny bits of metal. It is very rare to find more than one of the above mentioned homo capsicanus subspecies in the same location, but it is not unknown to find them co-located with similar subspecies such as homo grimreaperus.

When not sheltering under canopies the chilli farmer can usually be found in a type of building known as a ‘pub’. Little is known of the function of these buildings, although some kind of ritual involving liquids is believed to take place.

Occasionally the common chilli farmer is found in mountainous regions, although recent sightings of homo capsicanus hobbitus at altitude have shown the species to be extremely unstable in such locations.



Homo capsicanus hobbitus in full courtship display

The male common chilli farmer attempts to attract the female with a courtship display which consists of drinking copious amounts of brown fermented liquids, accompanied by talking a load of old bollocks. The success of this courtship display is variable from subspecies to subspecies. Homo capsicanus petehattus seems to be permanently in heat, whilst homo capsicanus hobbitus appears to have his animal magnetism on the wrong polarity. There does, however, appear to be some kind of weird symbiotic relationship between homo capsicanus hobbitus and homo capsicanus pinkboxus that baffles almost every observer. Homo capsicanus beardus uses his abundant plumage to attract females, with mixed success.

The young of the species are usually hungry. And noisy. So very, very noisy.


sausagesThe common chilli farmer is omnivorous, eating a wide range of food from all sources. Despite being almost spherical homo capsicanus hobbitus is quite picky, although deep-frying anything is usually enough to get him to try it, with the exception of mushrooms, which he wouldn’t eat even if there was a Kalashnikov pressed against his temple. Homo capsicanus beardus is an enigma, appearing not to eat in daylight hours. Homo capsicanus bondus is simply hungry ALL THE BLOODY TIME. Homo capsicanus moggius seems to be on a restricted diet, courtesy of the female homo capsicanus moggius. Homo capsicanus primus eats only pub food and stolen crisps. Homo capsicanus pinkboxus can usually be found cooing longingly at cheese.

Status and conservation

The common chilli farmer has an extensive range, with sightings on almost every continent. However, they are extinct in the wild – no known populations are known outside of human environs. That being said, it seems to be fashionable to genetically modify normal humans into homo capsicanus, so like the humble mule there will seemingly always be a way of creating new specimens.

It is possible, though highly unusual, for a subspecies of homo capsicanus to revert to its former homo sapiens status. This is not a common occurrence, as the capsaicin contained within chillies has a hallucinogenic effect that proves highly addictive. Most subspecies have tremendous difficulty adapting back to the human world once they have been exposed, and will resist common sense and logic to remain in their capsaicin-fuelled environment.


Homo capsicanus is generally placid in public situations.  However, great care should be taken if encountered in the early morning – especially if this is before their first cup of coffee, in which case they are likely to attack without warning.  Homo capsicanus bondus is especially tetchy prior to midday, although he is usually to be found stuck in traffic at this time.

Homo capsicanus primus is frequently seen carrying out a ritual known as ‘going to Bookers’, sometimes as much as three times a day.  It is unknown why this behaviour is displayed, although there are theories that it relates to a circadian rhythm completely out of sync with the rest of homo capsicanus, or indeed reality.


Homo capsicanus primus, bondus and moggius

Homo capsicanius moggius is largely migratory, spending much of his time roaming the countryside in search of a decent wi-fi signal.

Homo capsicanus beardus is a non-native species, believed to have migrated south in search of a decent pint of beer, a search he seems to take extremely seriously.

Homo capsicanus hobbitus spends much of his time watching men chase balls around fields.

Homo capsicanus pinkboxus has recently built a huge new nest, and her plaintive cry of ‘come to Meadow Barn, come to Meadow Barn’ can be heard across multiple media platforms.

Ecological outlook

There seems to be no reason why homo capsicanus won’t be around for the foreseeable future.  They are adaptable, tough creatures, not generally prone to disease and quite capable of ‘normal’ behaviour even after lopping bits of themselves off with kitchen equipment (which happens frequently).

If you encounter one on your travels please treat them with compassion – they’re normally in need of a damned good sleep, and if startled are known to inflict a substance known as ‘God Slayer’ on their victims.

You have been warned.


One of these spends most of his time sleeping. The other is a cat.